Aunt: I’m going to Walmart, do you need anything?
Me: no thanks, I’m going there later to do some shopping myself
Aunt: But we could combine trips! It’s wasteful to both drive there on the same day! The responsible thing to do—
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
Aunt: Ok!!! :)) Which ones? And what isle? What color is the package—
Me: exasperated Are you serious? I caved and gave you what you wanted. Now you’re asking for more information? I told you I wanted to do my own shopping, and you fought me on it. I’m making a peace offering by giving you two items to buy for me, and you’re saying I need to go find the names and package colors and isle numbers? Please just be satisfied with what I gave you.
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here: she can’t buy the right item if I don’t tell her what it is. But I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her. I’m giving her something she wanted, something I wanted for myself, and she’s demanding more.
I think your aunt was trying to be helpful and efficient by doing you a favour. And it’s okay to not know everything like a store employee when asked questions like “what aisle”, just be like “I dunno what aisle” or “look in the pet section for cat stuff”.
If you didn’t care which type then fine, say as much, if you do care then just send the online listing, write down or print out (if your aunt is computer-challenged) the kind you want. Your aunt is preemptively trying to avoid you being disappointed by getting the wrong litter/snack. It’s like 3 minutes of effort for you to save an hour or two of your day.
If you for whatever reason really want to go separately on your own then just insist “I want to go pick out the specific package myself”, but leaving things ambiguous while getting upset and hostile over it is good for nobody.
You can use the ‘oh I get whatever is on sale’ method and just bypass most of the particulars. I get your frustration on the matter, but it I only takes a moment to fill in the blanks. If it’s really not right you can return it later for whatever the right thing is. You were planning to go anyways.
Yeah, that was a jerk thing to do.
Yes.
You really should tell people what you’re feeling when there’s a disagreement like this. If she wants to grab you things from the store when you’re looking forward to going yourself, tell her you’re looking forward to it. All you told her at the start was that you were intending to go, not why.
And while you later characterize it as a fight, you actually caved preemptively if this transcript is accurate. You felt this would become a fight and headed that hypothetical fight off but all that actually happened was she was stating her case and you said “okay”. She has no reason to view that conversation as a point of tension in need of resolving, no reason to view the request for cat supplies as a peace offering the way that you do.
Lastly, when you don’t tell somebody specifics, they don’t automatically know whether you feel the specifics are irrelevant or you forgot to mention them or you just assumed they should already know them. These are all plausible scenarios and in the majority of them you have a preference and could be let down if it is not fulfilled. Since you’re the sort of person to blow up at somebody for offenses they didn’t know they were committing, she’s right to be worried about failing you. She wasn’t demanding you give her anything, and in situations like that you’re always free to tell them there’s nothing to give. “No preference what kinds. I don’t know what aisle it is, you should ask somebody at the store.”
That’s all ways to think about these sorts of things in the future. What I suggest for right now is that you go back and relay the same core of this whole thing to her that you relayed to us:
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.
If you lay out in plain terms this disconnect between the kind of considerate you see she’s trying to be and the kind of considerate you need people to be, that would probably help her a lot.
No, that’s fine. You’re allowed to think those things to yourself. We all do from time to time. Just don’t fucking say it out loud, obviously. Can you imagine??
You should have just said you didn’t care about the details. It’s Christmas and you are being a dick. “I give up” and the rant just makes it seem like pure snark. You should learn to communicate without being mean about it.
Doing two separate trips is dumb and when she offered to just do it for you, you were an ass about it. Judging by your other comments, I don’t think you are looking for real insight here though.
Why “should” I have offered more detail, when I didn’t care about the details? I was already caving and giving her something she wanted, something that directly conflicted with what I wanted. And I did it politely. I didn’t “rant” until she asked for something more, after I already conceded. This isn’t a gotcha. I’m asking for your input here. Why am I a jerk for not giving more, when I already caved?
Stating that you don’t care about the details is all you had to do. She asked you a completely logical followup question. She was trying to do you a favor. Yes, you are the jerk here.
Why do I “have” to give that much info? Why doesn’t she “have” to understand from context that those details aren’t important? It seems like you’re putting the social responsibility of her understanding on me and I’m confused as to why.
Also, and not to be rude, I wasn’t asking you for details, I was asking Grimy. Sorry. Their answer is important to me.
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
What context is there for her to draw from?
It seems like you’re putting the social responsibility of her understanding on me and I’m confused as to why.
She asked you as simple question that had a simple answer. You spent more time getting angry than you would have just answering the question. It was a very reasonable question for her to ask. This is a normal interaction between two people. You are the one being unreasonable, if your explanation of events is accurate.
Also, and not to be rude, I wasn’t asking you for details, I was asking Grimy.
You’re posting in a public forum. Would it have been more palatable to you if I had posted it as a top-level reply, instead?
You don’t “have” to do anything but being respectful in how you communicate is literally the minimum. People can’t guess what you’re thinking and if this is the attitude you want to project on the world, you will be here often asking if you are a jerk. You didn’t “have” to be a dick either.
Act like an adult and apologize. Don’t be snarky with your own family.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
From posting that and fighting against everyone who disagreed with you here it seems like you already knew you messed up and are just posting here seeking for validation.
As much as you and I hate it social interaction isn’t purely logical or transectional. It’s not like a videogame where if you do this then the other character should do that. It’s messy and there are many unspoken rules and it can change from person to person. If you truly want to learn how to be more so sociable and truly reflect if you’d been an asshole then, take some advice from the comments. Learn to say no more gently, learn to see and anticipate what others need, etc.
it seems like you already knew you messed up
I’m sorry but this is wrong, despite what it seemed like. I’m trying to get some outside perspective; that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to accept hurtful speculation about my relationship. If someone offers me a glass of beer with piss in it, I’m not required to extend gratitude. If you sense me “fighting against everyone who disagreed with me” then you can keep your beer. Scroll down friend, I’ve gotten what I needed from people with better emotional regulation than you. Some of the folks that I disagreed with in this post have offered insight for which I’ve responded appropriately. This isn’t about you, stop being a dick.
Buddy, I’m not sure if you should be criticizing someone else’s emotional regulation.
Why not followup with - ‘it doesn’t matter the color brand flavor or type of litter, and the pet cat isle, thanks you for grabbing these items for me’.
I don’t see why you’d get upset with a logical follow-up clarification question
There is more backstory I recon. Also poster is likely on the spectrum.
“reckon” not “recon”. Your casual misuse of language suggests you’re not qualified to diagnose anyone’s mental health, but I’m not interested in anything you’d be offering anyway. Have a day. 🫱
It’s “aisle,” not “isle,” by the way.
Please go to therapy.
Pobrecita
I didn’t follow up because I was already pushed past my limit. My aunt and I disagreed because we both wanted a thing, and only one of us could have it. I caved and gave it to her, and she asked for more.
I got upset with a logical follow-up clarification question for the reason in my original post (lol): “I clearly don’t care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her.”
Then you should be saying that to your aunt, instead of losing your patience. People aren’t MIND readers. It is as easy as “I will use any brands you buy.”
If you get this irate over normal life (consistantly), then you should talk to a professional.
Edit: asks if I’m the asshole? Gets irate when people say yes. :). If the issue is your aunt being overbearing check out the DEARMAN principle. It will help you with relations.
I should? What else should I be doing in this relationship? Lol. You keep saying I should get help, but I think you’re got a weird idea about what help is. Seems like your idea of “help” is minimizing other people’s pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient. I’ll pass, thanks. I’m going to ban you from my instance so you won’t be able to respond like this any further, it’s hurtful and I deserve better.
Somebody asked you if you wanted help and you blew up on them. If that isn’t a sign of change needed idk what is. Regardless of what is happening, it’s no way to treat people and you will push the people you love the most with your attitude. Take it from someone who immediately recognized the situation, you’ll need to mitigate something or you will be unhappy. Best of luck, you probably won’t even read this lol.
I can’t interpret your comments in this thread any other way than that you are seeking not help, but validation for your unwillingness to grow.
The idea of help you’re complaining about is quite consistent with good help according to the local lemmyites it seems, and I have to agree. Are you quite sure you’re not minimizing others pain and ignoring context when it’s convenient for you? Just because your pain is real does not mean you are free of responsibility.
This is exactly the kind of thing professional help is ideal for. Let an expert guide you in discovering ways you might change your views and behavior such that your needs are better met. Shaking your fist at the world isn’t going to make you one iota happier, no matter how well justified your anger might be.
Yes
Why? What part of my behavior was jerky?
The parts that made you go “I should ask the internet about this”.
Are you the same person as Crackhappy? I was asking them for details about their answer. I’m not sure if your instance allows multiboxing but if not you might consider logging in with the correct account before posting.
Are you high? Why would you simply assume someone responding in the same thread was the same user you last interacted with.
There is more than one person on the internet.
If I had said “Yes”, I would have ended it with a period.
Why did you come here and ask a question if you were simply going to ignore all of the answers?
Have you considered being less of a jerk in your day to day life?
I don’t know all about your relationship. Looking at this situation in a vacuum, I think it was kind of her to try to be sure she can buy the right items for you. You didn’t match that kindness. You could have, in a more neutral manner, told her that you don’t need anything specific and that anything from the section will do.
I would disagree by saying that giving her what she wanted, even though I wanted the opposite, was kind. But thanks for your response.
You to have a skewed outlook or some bias. A person offering to save you a trip is a kindness, you seeing as “giving her what SHE wanted” is a very odd take. If all your relations with people are like this, then common factor theory points to you being the issue. Professional help can improve all those situations you may be dealing with.
All of my relationships are not like this – that’s why I’ve only ever posted about this one relationship. Where did you get that from? If reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit, maybe you could reach out to your educational facility for a refund, assuming you paid for it.
You should check yours, notice myconditional statement of IF? And right away you attack, you are just proving a point.
Yep
Just say “I haven’t made my whole shopping list yet, so I’ll just go later when I’m prepared”
Why say yes? Because I didn’t say what you would have said?
The reason I didn’t say that was because she argued with me about both making separate trips. That’s the disagreement. She was not satisfied with the idea of me “going later when I’m prepared” and fought me on it.
Very much so
Goodness! That’s a lot! Why do you think it’s so severe?
Because someone who seems to care about you is trying to help and you wish only to belittle them and their good nature. Pure jerk vibes.
“I want x from you”
“No, I don’t want to give you x”
“Argument”
The specifics of x (in this case, buying something for someone else) aren’t relevant. Saying that the person who demands x is caring and the person who wants to keep it is belittling their good nature doesn’t make any sense and I doubt I’ll ever understand your quality of thinking but thanks for trying, I guess. 🫱
Do you often play the victim in life?
I’m going down to this level, because none of your arguments are made in good faith… You seem like an absolute spoilt cunt.
In such a situation, just lie.
“Need anything from the store?”
“No” (private subtext, I just want to do my own shopping and have some time out of the house)
Later… Once they are home:
“See you in a bit, I need to got the store. Silly me didn’t think of a few things I needed when you asked earlier. Bye”
I wish I had done this instead. It feels so shady, but I think it’s the least harmful way of avoiding these types of conflicts. Ugh. Thanks. I’ll consider it for the next time.
Remember it’s hardly a lie because they have an unspoken part of their question:
"Want anything from the store [that you want me to get for you… Including sufficient detail for me to find and select it]?
So think of your white lie “no” as more addressing the latter part
Imagine you needed something very very expensive, or something that takes a long time for the staff to make. You shouldn’t expect someone to front the money or wait a long time, if you are capable of doing it yourself.
Just saying it isn’t really shady, it’s just a social adjustment
White lies are social grease
I get it. It’s a pain when people offer help that makes more mental load or work for you.
Do you know if you’re neurodiverse? That sounds like maybe a meltdown. I have people in my life that have only two modes: ok and not ok. The difference can be .000002 over the line into not ok but there isn’t a correlation between the amount over the line and the amount of not ok. It’s good or bad and nothing is between.
