You’re obviously feeling very isolated and disillusion. You seem to be feeling profoundly invalidated and lonely. This is some heavy stuff.

I don’t want to say what you’re feeling is wrong, but what exactly you want seems opaque to me. You’ve been clear you want a relationship or friends or advice. For relationships or friends, keep grinding irl and if you need a break from online by all means - online can feel so superficial because all we are to eachother is words. For advice, you have been given some and it’s not clear how much of it you’ve undertaken - particularly about seeking therapy and attending support groups, both of which will likely take more than one attempt before you can find something that works for you. If you want validation or just to vent, I can see you’re in deep pain. For me, how I work, when I see pain I want to move to actionable pragmatic steps and what some people actually need is to share in that emotion. I don’t know if that’s what you ultimately are asking for but if it is, you’re obviously very hurt and feel very lonely.

I think you’re caught up in rumination, cycles of anxiety, and an inability to take steps likely because of the things going on with your mental health. That’s why it might seem you’re spinning your proverbial tires but going nowhere when you’re asking, often explicitly, for help on hexbear. All we can do is validate, share in how you’re feeling, but what you seem to need is serious professional help and you’re going to have to continue to seek it and attend it even if the first therapist/psych you see you don’t vibe with. I do want to sit here and understand your pain. While I, personally just me, don’t fully understand the things causing you this very real heavy pain I do understand and can see how much it hurts.

I can understand the desire to withdraw from attempting to make connections when you’ve feeled so burned. Even if you stop here, keep trying in real life. I wish we could have supported you how you need. Don’t give up on trying with others. When I said your struggles with transition are your own, I wanted to emphasize that it’s ultimately yours to take action on and if you’re feeling stuck in it you can’t just sit and wait for someone to get you out. There are people who can help out there and you will meet them if you keep trying.

You’re not wrong for being vulnerable and open. I wish you could have met or talked to people who could have taken those struggles you’ve been open about and helped you, I wish they could have known what to say or that they had the capacity to help you. It might just take a different environment, a different time, different people. I think the connection you seem to want so dearly is out there for you.