I’m going back and forth between feeling panicky because I am postponing a lot of serious talks and feeling weirdly calm.

At least work is okay at the moment, but even there I have moments of feeling panicked, like when my coworkers review my code and I feel worthless all of a sudden (even though rationally I know they are nice people that give me feedback with the best intentions).

I’ve realised that the past couple months, when things go wrong, I blame myself because the thought of confronting others just scares me so much. And it’s getting worse. I’ve been thinking maybe I need therapy?

Unfortunately previous experiences talking to mental health professionals have made me wary because in this country being a functioning adult means that your issues aren’t serious enough to warrant intervention. On the other hand I guess I know how to answer their questions in a way that makes them more likely to help me.

Idk I just feel very stuck and would love to not be stuck but also don’t really see a way out of this. I guess I’m hoping for a breaking point to magically appear so I have an excuse to open up about things to people around me 😕

Terrible, dealing with racists in beehaw’s foss community has drained me.

Apart from that, taking a few days to rest as a lot has happened, including that in the last few days.

Wishing Lemmy had proper blocking, but as far as I know it’s just an ‘ignore’ button meaning all the racists can still see my posts.

Baaaaaad, Lemmy has been bad and meatspace has been bad too

Hi hi. I’m new. My best friend recently lamented how they wished we could have one normal year for once. I shook my head and wished the same with them. I live in SoCal. Started taking antidepressants on the election week last year and wasn’t sure if it was side effects or I was just sick from the results. After two months it was evident I needed a dosage adjustment. The week I upped my dosage my home ended up half a mile from one of the LA fire evacuation zones and 14 families of friends lost everything. SO… all in all I am not sure I’m ever going to know if the antidepressants are working. As my other friend on antidepressants said, “Melp… you picked a crazy time to start fixing your mental health.” Anyway, hey. Glad to finally be here with you all.

A lot has been going on in my head lately and I think I need to calm down. Just last week I’ve finally ended my 20 years of fluctuating depression/suicidal thoughts and actually want to live and do something with my life. This world and everyone and everything on it is absolutely beautiful. Yes, there are thorns, but that’s what makes the blooming rose even more beautiful.

I don’t know who I am or where I’m going, but damn it, life is one hell of a ride.

But seriously, I do need to calm down.

Nonetheless, I truly wish everyone to have a pleasant life. It’s hard, man. I don’t know who you are, but I feel you. In my opinion, we are all astronauts on this spaceship called Earth, so we might as well try to get along.

Starting a ye olde Dragon Age: Origin playthrough after a few years of being away. I miss oldschool Bioware.

Got a nice snow storm overnight. Always fun when I don’t have to be anywhere.

Fourth Reich is definitely starting out pretty chilly!

My best friendship might be over, I don’t know. I thought about letting him drift off but my therapist convinced me to reach out. He said he doesn’t want to talk about it, and I asked if he means not tonight, or not all. He just said “I don’t know”.

I ain’t gonna pressure him, but that was his last chance.

I tried to make other friends, I joined this Meetup group I was really excited about. Waited ages for it. Had fun for the first several hours, and we were already talking about future events, and then it came up that they’re all conservative.

There’s very little else on Meetup and most of it has “sponsored by the church of Scientology” buried at the bottom of the text. I’ve just been trying to hit the gym and be productive around the house since then. Kinda sucks because I need to finish unpacking but I have so many gifts and mementos and photos with people who moved on.

ETA yeah, it’s over. I laid out all my grievances and he basically told me he’s garbage and I’m better off without him. He keeps telling me things I do are hurting him, and I try to change even when he contradicts himself, but I’m not worth the same effort.