I’m a 21 year old guy and struggle with depression for my whole life because of traumatic things I experienced from my parents.
About 2 years ago I completely lost all my spirit and willingness in life. I fell into this dark hole where I’m not able to do anything on my own anymore and had to move back to my parents since I wasn’t able to live on my own anymore.
Since then I spent the full 2 years completely alone in my room every single day and haven’t been outside or met anyone since. I only get outside maybe once a month to buy groceries but except from that I don’t see the world anymore, have no activities to do and live with pure hopelessness, no money and very little food.
Even though my family knows all that and I’m crying out for help, no one is helping me. I’ve lived in many facilities before, went to therapy and have a psychiatrist but all they do is talk but that’s it. I tried my very best but realized that I’m just not capable to live on my own.
And then all my parents do (especially my father) is treating me the same way like when I was a kid that caused my depression in the first place by letting out their dissatisfaction/frustration with themselves on me and baselessly blaming/criticizing me for every little thing. And all that is just making it so much worse and harder for me to get out of the situation.
They let me suffer in hell until I go insane or die.
I don’t understand why this world is so cruel. It feels like no one cares about people who suffer.
I don’t get that. If I was better off and knew someone in such a situation I would do everything to help them and give them what they need. Why is no one helping and just let you suffer like that?
Most people don’t know how to help, myself included. That’s why therapy is a profession. Have you told them what they are doing is part/most of the problem? Have you asked about medication?
Also, sounds like you need some friends. Which I know is difficult to do when depressed. Hell, last friend I made was over a decade ago. But it sounds like the only people in your life are the ones making it difficult. Hard to get away from that if there’s no one else in your life.
I told them literally every little detail about my situation. I also tried medication but it didn’t help.
I think a core problem is that all they do is talk and further make you identify with these unhealthy thoughts instead of confidently and actively guiding you towards a healthy life and giving you the understanding that you need.
The second part of your comment literally hits the nail on its head and is so true! It feels impossible to escape this.
I haven’t gone to therapy but one thing I’ve heard from those that have is that you’ve got to find the right therapist for you. Identifying what is making you depressed is important, but if they aren’t helping find ways to actually deal with it then I would also struggle to see the use. If you’re still interested in therapy it may help to find a new one that pays a more active role. There’s more than one way to therapy.
Same with medication. Different drugs. Different doses. Different biome in each body. Each brain is different.
I think I’ve tried roughly 7. For periods of time. Sometimes shorter due to side effects. I now take one that works for me. It’s not perfect but it’s best so far I suppose. Took me a long time to figure that out. So please don’t give up on medications. Find one that works for you. Not just numbs you of everything.
I would also say, though it might be hard, you need to advocate for yourself. Tell your therapist that what you need is practical help to get out of your situation. Even your current therapist should be able to accommodate that. But it still might be worth it to find a new one because a good fit will help you more anyway.
I have Bipolar 2, and used to feel the same way; why wasn’t anyone helping me? I felt so alone, like I was suffering, but no one wanted to listen.
It’s because after a while, people expect you to get better. People who don’t live with mental disorders don’t understand the plight of those who do. They are not equipped with the tools that professionals have to help us.
Then I got on the right meds that gave me a “boost up”. It took a long time (years) for me to find the right NP who got me on the right regimen that enabled me to function and take that first step.
Ngl, It’s really, really, hard. There are still plenty of days that I come home from work and do nothing for hours on end.
Big factor of my stagnation was my heavy dependence on cannabis. Once I got off of it, I sort of woke up for the first time in years.
TL;DR: You gotta be the change you want to see in yourself. It’s not easy—at all. But you can do this. I believe in you. Sometimes meds are part of that change.
Thanks for the encouragement. I tried drugs before such as those SSRI’s but all they did is make me feel even more uncomfortable and mess with my brain chemistry.
For some people this might help to numb their feelings or something but it definitely didn’t help for my major depression. I don’t think depression is caused by a lack of specific neurotransmitters. It’s a core part of my identity and you had to change my personality to get rid of the depression and unfortunately we don’t have meds for that…
Mate, you’re deep in it right now. I also felt that it just was who I am. I was convinced that I was meant to feel bad; that the rut I was in was just my nature. But that isn’t what defines me anymore.
It feels like there is no hope and no one willing to help. But I bet deep down you know that it has to start with you. All of the drugs and therapies won’t help you until you wake up one day and decide to make a change.
Do one thing today. Whether that is shower, make your bed, or even just brush your teeth. Do something. That was the start for me. I had to force myself to shower and brush my teeth each day. For a while, that was my one thing I made myself do each day. Then I started doing three things, then four. I hated each step of the way, but eventually, I hated doing these things less.
You can do this. I don’t know you, but I know that you can. Your words eerily echo mine from the past.
Some people don’t like to consider the fact that being a completely functional human being as per standard imaginary standards is hard work. So hard that few can actually make it work.
Most people don’t fit the standard. We are incomplete. And the parts that are missing get filled with vices of ever increasing atrocity.
The saying that “everyone’s got something to hide” is correct and what we try to hide are our failings.
So to answer your question, most people can barely take care of themselves. If you can’t cope with yourself, what incentive would anyone have to take on your burden and possibly be crippled by its weight in the process?
People come together to share each other’s burdens, to form a sturdy bridge that can ease their suffering. But this implies that both sides have a foundation to stand on. Instead of you have just one leg of the bridge carrying all the weight, it’s bound to come down without a doubt.
So you need to find your foundation or build one. Have something to stand on then seek out groups for mutual aid. There you will help each other to improve and reduce the hole that’s making you feel incomplete.
Now about parenthood. It’s exhausting. Not everyone is cut out for it. It takes time, energy and money for years on end. It can destroy a person mentally and physically.
I don’t know you nor your parents, but from your words, they aren’t all that much better than yourself. Only anger found its way into filling some of that hole that plagues us all. They might have each other for support, but if either of them falls, the other will crash soon after. So don’t begrudge them too much, they’re as human as you are.
Living ain’t easy. Not one bit. But the rewards are evident in those we envy.
Your situation is surprisingly close to mine. Though I have a few things that get me out of the house a few times a week. I have a church I am invested in and friends I try to visit with each week. Both of those were conscious choices I had to make. No one would have been able to do them for me. Be brave and try something you know is good for mental health. It is difficult and there are no guarantees but eventually something will work. Then you have to maintain whatever that is and find another one. I’m not out of the hole yet and sometimes I don’t know if I will ever be normal. But I have people I care about and care about me.
Damn you’re so lucky to have something to go to and especially lucky for having friends and people who care about you. I wish I had that right now. I literally don’t see anyone and spent 24 hours inside one single room for 2 years. The fact that I have no one who cares about me just deeply discourages me.
And the fact that I’m living with my parents again deeply discourages me further to do anything but I can’t get out here because of the strong burden that makes me incapable of living independently.
I lost the hope that eventually something will improve since I had that for years and nothing changed. I already know that I will still be stuck in this room for the next 5 years unless I’m going insane or die til before that. What a waste of valuable life time😮💨
When was the last time you spoke to an old high school friend? Or even a neighbor? Maybe converse with the people in line with you next time you are at the store. Little steps add up. The friends I have now were old college roommates with me before I dropped out. A few years after moving out of that apartment I had a therapist challenge me to reach out to someone I knew. I did that and talked about how I was reaching out to people having a standing weekly get together with and they responded well to that idea. In the years since then they have had three kids and they all call me uncle.
I don’t wanna talk to anyone while I’m living with my parents and am in this miserable situation.
But even if I would ever get out of here I don’t have anyone to talk to. I went to like 5 different high schools since they put me into facilities at different locations in my teens.
Before I got taken away from home I had so many friends as a kid and literally met friends every single day. But over the years I lost contact to every single one of them and haven’t talked to them in many years.
I’m generally not a guy who keeps friends for their lifetime. It was never that deep. When I went to a new school I had these friends for a few months and then never talked to them again.
Why do you have to wait until you aren’t living with your parents?
It’s blocking me. It’s like I’m not worthy enough when I still live here. And living here makes me feel so uncomfortable I wouldn’t be able to talk to someone. I’m even afraid to leave my room because I could encounter my dad.
Those thoughts aren’t true but I understand having mental blocks.
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I started my long journey of alcholisim at that age for similar reasons. LPT: Don’t take that route. It makes things worse.
In many ways, this world is an amazing place. In many ways, it absolutely isn’t. There is a ton of kindness to be found but also there is a ton of hatred and disregard. It just is what it is, unfortunately.
Honestly speaking, if you keep doing what you are doing now (isolating yourself), you are going to keep feeling the same way. It’s all too easy to get sucked into a pattern of just doing the same stupid stuff all day, every day. Start breaking the pattern and do some different every day and it doesn’t matter what. Hopefully it will get you out of the house or gets you into a new hobby. Find free hobbies, ideally.
The point is you need to change something and you can only do that by doing something.
You can’t change your brain overnight. It takes time. For the time being, you are the only person that will likely be able to help you right now. If you want others to help you, you need to know people first. Staying in your room all day is not a good way to meet people.
Someone else suggested volunteering for something and helping others. There are tons of volunteer opportunities in many different places so that would be an excellent start. People are easier to meet because there is a thread of commonality in place, TBH.
There are many types of functional thought. None are right or wrong. They often can conflict in complex ways. I didn’t really start learning about this until my 30’s and mostly within the last 2 years. My thinking is very different than my father. He doesn’t understand very much on a fundamental abstracted level like I do. He is much more effective at just getting simple stuff done, but he hates learning, has no curiosity or self awareness. I remind myself of Hanlon’s razor, to assume stupidity over malice, almost daily.
I think there are more of us here in similar circumstances than are not. I have to tell myself that my folks did their best with the info they had and their limitations. It is okay to be smarter than your family, yet know your own limitations. I turned to riding a bicycle everywhere as an outlet. When that disabled me after fighting and totalling 2 SUVs, I turned to electronics, programing, Linux, and in more recent years AI. I’m not doing great, but I’m not dead yet. I’d rather be alone with my curiosity than with stupid people.
I can relate to that!
This got long and rambly, sorry.
My main suggestion: Make connections over dumb shit, like the videogames and shows you like, and eventually you’ll meet people who are real friends who want to help. That’s what a friend of mine did. They struggled for years to find a medication that did something, moving around, starting over, struggling with jobs, moving back home, and so on. And sometimes their anime conversations turned into chats about what was going on in their life, and their fandom pal’s life, and sometimes they’d just vent. Those nerdy people weren’t all winners, but there were enough who wanted to help that they kept going until they were more stable.
They had their mental breakdown around the same age you did, which is why they came to mind. I had mine around the age you are now. What worked for them is going to be different than what can work for you, but it’s worth it to keep going.
Also, shame in being where you are is a big thing that kept me, personally, from getting help. I look back at myself and I’m like, I was sick and struggling. I was allowed to be that way. Past me needed help, damn! Anyone who thought badly of that was a shithead! I didn’t deserve the way I was treated as a child, either. I was just a dumb kid! I look at kids now, and I’m like, how could you treat one of these how I was treated. They don’t know shit and will learn when people teach them!
Switching meds helped my friend. I think they turned out to have a bipolar that looked like depression, so figuring that out helped find a drug that did something. This took ages, but they joined a mental health day group at the local hospital and they had an expert in psych medicine who wasn’t afraid to switch things up. Sometimes you can get access to better expertise joining a group like that, if it’s tough to find it one on one.
I dunno. If you just keep trying stuff, you’ll have a shot at finding the right combination. Sorry about the long ramble. My 20’s sucked. I’ve met a lot of people who had shitty years who met each other because of dumb shit and that’s how they got a job, med advice, or a place to move. Maybe it’s bad advice but there are people who want to help out there and silly connections over hobbies can up your odds of finding them. Probably purely by upping the numbers of people you know, but, whatever.
Hey OP, I saw in a comment that you’ve tried medications and nothing has helped. I was in the same boat and struggled for a long time. It took switching doctors, but I found one that did genetic testing for me and was able to find a medication that worked really well. Later, I suffered through some severe trauma and it really knocked me back down again. I spoke to my doctor about it and we determined that TMS treatment was a good option for me, and I’m happy to report that it worked really really well and I’m doing a lot better.
There are options out there like these, but I think they are little known, and it took many years before any doctors offered them. I know it is so hard to do so, but I think it’s important to be able to speak up and say “hey doc, I’ve tried different meds for years and nothing helps, what other things can we do?”
you might want to look for mental health support groups or ideally group therapy led by therapists. They tackle the feelimg of being alone with your problems really well, and heal through human connection.
It sucks you’re going through that.
Question for you – what have you done to help others?
If you’re making a request for people to help you, what have you done to help them? To help the people who are also in your position?
There’s soup kitchens that need volunteers. There’s organizations that need support. They could use your help. And in turn, you might find some resources and gain some new perspective.
If I could I would help them😞
