What else would happen in Heck?
Your soap always has a pubic hair on it when you get in the shower, even though you took it off last time.
Mobile phone screen protectors always have a bubble with a grain of sand in it.
Bike tire is always slowly leaking, but there is no discernable puncture.
Mobile phone volume controls are always next to the power button so whenever you want to adjust the volume, you lock the screen instead.
Kitchen sink drains slowly.
Petrol tank in the lawn mower and your petrol can are always empty when you need to cut the grass, so you have to go buy more before you can mow the lawn.
Whipper snipper line keeps breaking within 10s of starting, due to your awful couch grass.
Doorbell battery is always flat.
Driveway camera alerts always come through just as the delivery person is driving away with the package you needed to sign for.
Clothing on sale is always too small or too big.
Any clothes that fit when you buy them shrink in the wash.
Smoke alarm low battery chirps always start in the middle of the night, and you don’t have any replacement batteries. Also, they are randomly between 5 and 10 minutes apart so it takes a long time to find which one has the low battery.
Your bread loaf is always mouldy before your weekly grocery shop.
When you want to eat them, bananas and avocados are always unripe, or all brown inside.
Apples have a 50% chance to be floury inside but you can’t tell until you bite.
The person next to you on the train always has a cold.
Bus timetables don’t line up with train timetables.
Red light cycles are timed so you get the red on each intersection unless you exceed the speed limit.
The sun is always low in the sky and in your eyes (directly or in the mirror), while driving to and from work.
Supermarket workers always give you the product that expires earliest when you order groceries for pickup.
Mysteriously still dry loose washing powder stuck all over clothes coming out of the washer.
TV anywhere you have to wait (eg at doctor’s office) always tuned to right wing “news”.
Dishwasher starts randomly when not full yet, and gets stuck in some mode where it wont start when you need to start it. The buttons are inscrutable.
Coffee is always burnt.
No socks in the washing you just brought in off the line pair up with any other sock.
Windows is the only OS and it always forces an update at the worst possible time.
TV operating system is slow and laggy.
New toys never come with batteries, and you are always out.
You are always a few episodes before the end of the series before your streaming service drops the show from its catalogue.
I was already in heck.
The first circle of heck is for people who listen to media in public without headphones. They shall walk through life with lots of AV media available to them, but the soundtrack never matches the video.
The second circle of heck is for the people who take up two parking spaces. They are damned to a place where they all have shittier cars than everyone else forever.
The third circle of heck is for people who pull fire alarms as pranks. They may live their lives as normal, except sometimes a loud noise will happen and they will be taken outside the building and drowned with a fire hose for awhile. Forever.
The fourth circle of heck is for programmers who don’t document their code. They will be stranded in a country whose language they have no way of learning.
The fifth circle of heck is for Toyota engineers. For the sin of putting the oil filter directly underneath the exhaust manifold, they shall have the skin of the back of their hands blowtorched off a few times a day, every day.
The sixth circle of heck is for the people who just can’t get out of the way at the grocery store. All of the delicious food they could ever want is buried 5 miles deep, and they are equipped with oven mitts on their hands for digging.
The seventh circle of heck is for people who modify their cars to have loud exhausts, get a dog that barks at all hours of the day, etc. They live normal lives, but they can hear the Sun.
Holy fuck, that last one is evil. Totally deserved.
Also, I’m reminded of Billy Joel’s “Blonde Over Blue”
In hell there’s a big hotel
where the bar just closed and the windows never open
no phone so you can’t call home
And the TV works, but the clicker is broken
Giving me Hotel California vibes
It’s actually a straight-up love ballad.
The bimetallic strip in your rice cooker is always slightly off no matter how much you fiddle with it.
You’re always stuck behing a tractor on small roads.
Your text editor randomly uses a whitespace character whenever you press space.
Everything is lighted with slightly old fluorescent tubes.
Obviously pointless deskwork and frequent sync meetings that always include non technical stakeholders.
Everyone sleeps on wonky old futons that haven’t been properly maintained.
Food deserts.
Everyone lives in old non sound insulated krushchevkas with loud neighbours.
The landscape is an infinitely repeated template of an excessively concretised city.
Constant warm overcast weather with high humidity and still wind.
Everyone is always slightly sleep deprived.
The water is always slightly too chlorinated and it doesn’t evaporate.
I have so many ideas!
Constant slight cheese and urea smell.
One of your nostrils is always stuffed. They switch regularly.
The only available tea is British. (sorry I hate bland black tea and bergamot)
No hot meals.
All cuttlery is either sporks or Korean chopsticks.
All cooking knives are dull.
The only available cooking methods are microwaves with dead zones and induction stoves with long cycles.
Spices are forbidden.
Everyone is left handed with specifically right handed tools.
Everyone has ADHD. Medication is unavailable.
Light itch that moves.
Everyone needs glasses. They’re always greasy and the correction is slightly off.
Everyone has a small bladder and there are always queues in front of restrooms. That might explain the smell.
Everyone is on a sliding/rolling schedule.
Non skipable ads are backed in physical objects.
Shoes are all a size off.
Here we go again.
All video content is in a language you don’t fully understand and with slightly unsynched subtitles.
People always mispronounce your name.
All interior floors and walls are covered in dirty carpeting with burn marks.
Chairs creak when you move.
Ingrown nails.
Light psoriasis.
Windows Vista is the only available operating system. Phones use the regular UI. Computers are locked using the Windows 8.0 UI.
All touchscreens function as if you were using thin gloves.
Keyboards have a 10% chance to repeat or ignore the last character you typed.
Computers crash whenever you’re progressing writing an essay.
Randomly organized huge everything stores.
Frequent houseflies that walk all over you.
You have to make phonecalls. The sound randomly interrupts and a few times when you try to repeat.
All pens are cheap ballpoints with ink issues.
Tinnitus.
Dead pixels on screens.
Conv calls always have someone with speakers and a malfunctioning microphone that lets you hear a garbled version of what you just said with a one second delay.
Code documentation was never invented. Your job is to pay technical debt on random projects.
An annoying relative is narrating your life.
Stereo sound fluctuates in intensity between both sides.
Slightly stale American bread is the only kind available.
Some more?
When showering the water temperature fluctuates while never being unbearable. Shared old bar soap.
Nails grow a centimeter a day.
Shared kitchen with teenagers.
Raspy toilet paper. No bidets. American doors.
Towels are magically constantly damp.
Random unexplainable crunch in food.
All stairs have an irregular awkward step.
People always answer half your questions.
Nonsensical infrastructure works that do nothing and constantly perturb road and foot traffic.
Neverending dry mouth.
Every charging cord is a bit old and randomly disconnects. You then have to fiddle with it for it to work again.
Shoelaces have very low friction.
Achy joints.
Payments work with a set of three debit cards. There is only one that works at a given time. Nobody remembers their pin. You have to get it on a buggy app.
Random bouts of akathisia (uncontrollable muscular restlessness) in the evening.
USB-A sockets are now star shapped with 18 possible orientations.
Internet uses old modems. Someone frequently uses the landline without notification.
Congratulations you are now the middle manager of heck
Finally a passion job!
in heck you have to travel everywhere by car. and there’s always traffic.
just woke up and want to brush your teeth? that’s gonna be a 15 minute drive to the bathroom. watching tv and want to take a break to get a snack? 20 minute drive to the kitchen. want to go to the supermarket to pick up some more milk? 40 minute drive, round trip.
idk man it just sounds like America
And the car’s stereo is broken.
the stereo is stuck on the christian rock station. even worse.
When washing your hands, water always is running into your sleeve.
A little bit of soap always is missed, and now your hands feel sticky after drying them.
But the soap dispenser is always somehow empty too.
Satan? Is that you?
And if you don’t wash your hands after using the toilet, your hands will be covered in Doritos dust for a day no matter what.
That’s when you need to use The Cleaner.
The soap dispenser is always nearly empty, but squirts just enough to be useful if you pump it a bunch.
The faucet has some sort of sensor and it takes you at least five attempts of waving your hands in front of it before a faint stream of water comes out… for 0.1 seconds.
Every meal you eat results in popcorn lodged in between your teeth regardless of what you eat
And you can never find a toothpick for an eternity of searching
Every show you ever watch will be really interesting and engaging ending on a giant season 1 cliffhanger and will be canceled never having a followup episode.
TIL Netflix runs Heck.
Slightly related, Netflix has a show called Exploding Kittens that runs vaguely on this premise.
whether 🏴☠️ is involved or not is none of my business
RIP “The Society”
All gum sold has been chewed already
Everybody’s really nice, but they’re super into virtuosic prog rock and won’t shut up about it.
Duuuuuude! You gotta check out Animals As Leaders tho! They’re prog metal, so they’re like, totally different than the stuff you’ve heard!
Ooh let’s talk djent. Periphery’s first album was incredible, but only the instrumental version. The vocals were annoying.
Agreed! Periphery’s vocals are too poppy for my taste. I’m more of a Meshuggah kind of guy, but I dig bands like Vola and Tesseract too.
Have y’all ever checked out Porcupine Tree? Their In Absentia days were the tops seriously
So, umm, yeah… So guys, y’all all seem really nice, but um, well, the thing is… 🤣🤣🤣
You can never seem to remember where you parked your car and you wander a parking garage for eternity
You always get ketchup water when applying ketchup, regardless if someone used it before you or if you’ve shaken the bottle.
I get mustard water, every damned time.
You’re very tired nodding off and keep rereading the same page of a book over and over
Every fart is a gamble
This is my normal life.
Welcome to Heck.
Ruled by Sathan
I’d take Satan over this.
Rubber undies. It doesn’t really help with the mess, but the farts sound funnier
