When your kids are grown, the very idea that they want to hang out with you is an immense source of pride.
My biggest actual goal with raising my kids. I wanna make sure they want to come home and hang. Okay, maybe second biggest after the obvious “making sure they’re an individual who is equipped to make sound decisions and care for themselves.”
Keep your fridge stocked with their favorite stuff. The way to anyone’s heart is through the stomach.
My dad stopped buying chocolate milk a few years ago and now they wonder why I don’t visit them as much. I’m 34 and chocolate milk is still a great incentive. Shit’s expensive.
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I think this is a super common goal; Lots of terrible parents have it.
The problems come in when “equipped to make sound decisions and care for themselves” is interpreted way too seriously.
For instance, my being queer was not a sound decision for me to make.
I doubt your being queer was a decision at all, and therefore doesn’t fall under the criteria. Now things like “don’t rent to own your furniture,” or “meth is not a good idea” are tools for their tool box when it comes to making a good or bad decision.
Way too often “make sound decisions and care for themselves” really just means “be productive and ACQUIRE RESOURCES” in our society.
Once you shed that programming (I had to, at least) it becomes that much more sad realizing how unnecessary so much of the world’s terrible shit is.
Edit: I meant to add that in addition to acquiring resources, you are to “do the things that are expected of a good person.” That was the hardest for me to shake, whether the expectations were real or only perceived/imagined.
As somebody who had a traumatic upbringing (lost dad at a young age, mom allowed an abusive father figure into our lives, grew up closeted LGBT with a very right wing Christian mother), it honestly feels weird and almost alien seeing people with good, healthy relationships with their parent or parents. I can’t deny there’s occasional jealousy, but just the thought of having the desire to just, be with my mom and do stuff with her? It’s one that never crosses my mind.
Like I’ll see folks online talking about their parents and how they see them as close friends in their adulthoods, and that’s always righteous to see! But then I look at the woman who called me a selfish attention seeking brat when I admitted to her I’d nearly blasted my brains open with a shotgun (at the time I was trapped in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship), and I can’t really bring myself to call her my friend. Just the idea of hanging out with her, watching movies or playing games… It just feels strange.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and it’s no surprise you feel that way. Though I didn’t experience a fraction of the trauma you did, I ended up in a similar place in terms of my relationship with my own parents.
My upbringing and the resulting way I feel towards my parents definitely instilled a desire in me to not repeat their mistakes, and I was mostly successful at that, though I know I did repeat a few, and managed to make plenty of my own wholly original mistakes as I’ve helped to raise my kids.
I don’t know if you are or plan to become a parent, but I hope that you are someday able to experience a healthy parent/child dynamic from one side or another.
Haven’t had the desire nor intent to have children, myself, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless. My experiences taught me that family is what you make of it, and I’ve a family of my own sort full of the kindest, most helping and understanding people I know. While I won’t experience a healthy “parent/child” dynamic myself, I’ve made peace with that. I’ve got a life of my own to make, and I’ve found the best people to spend it with.
Take pride in what you’re doing, mate. Even with the mistakes you’re hinting at, you’re going at it with the right mindset, the ideal attitude, and your kids will certainly appreciate what you’re doing for them. Breaking the cycle of abuse/familial trauma is not an easy task, nor is it something many people even realize is something they can or should do, so to see a parent being determined to break that cycle always warms my heart.
This is the happiest a comment has made me all day. I am so glad you found the family you weren’t born into. I’m a middle aged dad of a 7 year old, and I can’t imagine how broken inside somebody has to be to traumatize their own child like that. In many cases I think it is a cycle of abuse, so good on you for breaking the cycle whether you ever have/adopt kids or not.
Omg. This is fucking awesome. I’ll tell you what, my child is 100% cool ;)
Mine too! He may not have the best grades, but he is cool, and kind, and just overall a really amazing person.
You have the ultimate bragging rights there. Who cares what someone acomplished if they’re a dick
“My kid just got a PhD”
“Yeah well my kid can do a real sick kick flip tho.”
“Dude no way that’s sick!”
Are they happy? I think this should be the measure of success for a parent to worry about. Encouraging them to reach goals can absolutely be a part of happiness but I’ve had friends who spiraled down the drain because their parents pushed them so hard to make tangible achievements and completely neglected their actual happiness
You’re absolutely right, but I think the dad’s reply wasn’t focused on the kids’ states per se and more on his perception of whatever they are. He loves his kids and wants to be around them because they are nice/good people, which he casually summarizes as “cool”. I read it like his perspective, not theirs.
My mom used to do this but with kindness. I may be a fuck up but I helped people without being asked and my mom was proud that that’s who I grew up to be
This is what I do with my son. He is truly kind to all people and animals, and I praise that all the time. Our world needs more kindness.
Yeah it was really good for my moral development to know my mom was proud I was kind. She always told me that that was what she wanted most for me, first to be a good kind person and second to be happy.
She also made a point to tell me the compliments she received about me.
As a kid who grew up weird and closeted and struggling with school because of disability it was so important to know that my mom was proud of me. Especially since my father made no effort to hide that he was disappointed I didn’t have any achievements he could brag about compared to his friends’ kids.
And the thing is kindness has done wonders for me. I’ll never be rich or famous, but I’m happily married and have found a good community. I’d rather that than be some of the assholes I grew up around.
i knew a kid in highschool who was just kind, all the fucking time. No questions asked, just did it to do it.
Dude was awesome, one of the very few people i genuinely respect. Weird, and a little bit funky, but aren’t we all?
It may be my age showing but I interpreted this as “do they smoke weed?”
glancing over my shoulder while clutching a baggy under my jacket
“Yeah, that’s great but are they going to narc?”
Hmmm yeah okay. Someone who’s like a honor roll student biglaw attorney might have a lot of accomplishments, but if they’re insufferable to be around that’s not a complete success as a parent.
On the other hand, a blast to be around but with no skills to succeed in this dystopia is also not a full success, either.
I worked so hard to impress my parents.
After my first semester of college I started getting depressed. I didn’t know it was depression at the time…but it’s very obvious in retrospect.
At some point I had to sell a car. By matter of coincidence, a few years later I found a blog by the buyer about his progress in restoring the car (of all things, a 1990 Volvo 740GL Wagon…not really an impressive car except that it cannot be killed. But I guess there’s a niche for everyone on the Internet).
In it he had a post about the day he picked up the car. My dad handled the transaction with this complete stranger and apparently my dad felt the need to vent for 10 minutes about how much of a deadbeat loser I was.
I wasn’t trying to be a deadbeat loser at the time. I was just severely depressed, and they were completely ignorant of it. Even when I said I think I’m depressed, they said in typical boomer fashion to get up on time and take a walk and I’d magically feel better. And that was the same advice I got from my damn doctor.
So must be cool for your parents to think you’re cool. Now I make it a point to avoid talking to them as much as possible. Not quite no-contact, just a bit of anxiety leading up to calling them, and a bit of a letdown when they call me and it’s not to tell me one of them is dead.
I’m sorry your parents let you down like that. You deserve better. I hope you have more supportive people around you now.
I’m sorry you found that. It must’ve been hard to read it and feel that betrayal. And I’m sorry your parents weren’t able to recognize your depression and instead made it into a character flaw.
Me too man, turns out they are just shitty parents.
Of course you would want a balance, ideally speaking.
Said cool kid approaches, wearing dad’s outfit and hairstyle.
Goddam right they are cool - precisely because they are smart, talented, and engaged in the world around them. Why would I have raised them to be less than that?
Hmm, I don’t know. Seems like the perfect instrument to make “nerdy” kids feel even more insecure. Having very good grades is something you absolutely can and should be proud of. This does not automatically mean that your children, if they do not have good grades, are less valuable or “good” per se. But I think that the reasoning employed in the screenshot makes it very easy to say “Yes, your child’s grades are good, but my kid is way cooler”, belittling an entire and very respectable achievement of the other person.
Being nerdy and getting good grades doesn’t preclude being cool, especially not these days.
cries in growing up in the 90s
Eh, I think it’s good to make sure kids don’t pin their self esteem on anything overly tangible.
Grades are something that’s inherently tied to cultural capital. If your parents are able to teach you the skills needed to succeed in academic subjects, you’re going to do better. Pinning kids’ self worth to grades often leads to kids with disadvantages like a disrupted home life becoming disillusioned with the education system and suffering as a result.
I got good grades; I do not think the grades themselves are anything to be especially proud about. What’s more important is the effort that went into getting them, and that’s something more worth focusing on.
A parent saying they think their kid is cool is a value judgement from their perspective. They have a child they enjoy spending time with and with whom they have a good relationship. That’s something that I think anyone can get behind.
What’s cultural capital? Do you mean regular money? Grades are definitely tied to regular money, from how quiet it is in your neighborhood at night (how much sleep you can get), to access to food and healthcare, to tutoring and prep courses.
I think, in this context “cultural capital” refers to one’s social standing in their community. The higher the cultural capital one has, the higher one is in the social hierarchy, generally.
Good grades -> seen favorably by those around you -> higher social standing (increased cultural capital)
it does have a specific sociological meaning :).
It’s not really social standing – it’s more the knowledge and behaviours that permit you a certain social standing. Apologies in advance for repeating the quote from the other comment:
In the field of sociology, cultural capital comprises the social assets of a person (education, intellect, style of speech, style of dress, social capital, etc.) that promote social mobility in a stratified society
Thanks for the info!
Sociology bullshit, don’t worry about it.
In the field of sociology, cultural capital comprises the social assets of a person (education, intellect, style of speech, style of dress, social capital, etc.) that promote social mobility in a stratified society
Taking an example: I had a friend at university that did classics. There is no possible way I could have known growing up that classics was even an option; my school didn’t teach it, and it wasn’t something I’d come across at home beyond reading Percy Jackson. So my friend had far more of that kind of cultural capital than I did.
I don’t think it’s “cool” the way like…90s teen movies meant cool. I think it’s more like, “are they a kind person who is enjoyable to be around?” You can have other achievements that look good on paper and be cool. You can be an awkward dork and still be cool in that sense. Unfortunately, some parents prize the resume over raising a decent human being, and some kids end up being assholes, which is not cool at all.
As an incredibly and habitually nerdy kid none of my nerd shit had been an obstacle to my parents thinking I’m rad. I taught and ran my Mom through a D&D campaign over Covid…
Also I don’t think a parent who adopts the 'Is your kid cool" mentality is looking to make it another vector to disparage kids but to open adults minds to actually appreciating their kids as people not just little self congratulatory vicarious vindication of success. My parents are not fans of my Brother-in-Law’s family because they refuse to look at their son and my sibling as success on any other metric than acedemic or career related successes. They look at their careers in slightly lower paid but fulfilling careers doing things they feel make the world a better place makes them “the dumbest smart people we know”… The fact their son is just fucking awesome in his own merits just never enters their heads (and makes my Mom mad enough to bite through steel.)
Having parents who are cool is a blessing.
Good point. Good personality is trait as is academic success.
I think the key message the dad was saying wasn’t so much that his kids are cool but that he thinks they are awesome and that he likes to hang out with them because they have an amazing personality. “Cool” was just a term to make it sound less tacky
your kid might be a doctor, but my kid will be changing the world positively.
Probably through some autistic shit i instill in them, but hey, that’s not a bad thing.
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“My kids are better than yours.”
What an asshole.
Way to miss the point as well as be a dick in the wholesomeness community…
“Hey, I’m proud of my kid!”
Yeah, but is your kid as good as my kid?
That’s not wholesome, that’s asshole.
OR:
“My kid can pass any test”
“But is your kid a well rounded individual?”
Nothing like a fresh perspective to challenge your perception.
How is that better? Either way, its responding to a proud dad by dismissing all their kid’s accomplishments in order to pivot to something you think your kid does better.
It’d be kinder to “yes, and” the bragging: “That’s great your kid aced his math test. Sounds like he’s going places. My kid’s doing great, too. He has loads of friends over every weekend and they always laugh at his jokes.” It doesn’t matter if it’s a different kind of success, you should still acknowledge their kid’s accomplishments before you brag about yours.
Post says “bragging about their kids’ accomplishments.” That’s what parents do. I get that there are parents who use that kind of thing to pre-emptively place their kids above yours, but in my experience, that’s not terribly common.
The post honestly reads like it was made up by a kid who’s got some anxiety about their own place in the world and wants to feel bettr about it, not something that a parent would actually say.
That’s pretty much the only way I can read it, too.
Hah, sounds like the kind of person that votes for president based on whether or not they want to have a beer with them instead of their platform or accomplishments or experience
Dad of the year, right here 👆
