I’m (19F by the way, not like 50) a bad texter. I can be not dry when I want to be, but usually I’m just not up for texting. I really don’t engage with my friends. (I’m asocial).
I don’t participate in their activities. I don’t really ask them how they are, or what their interests are. I don’t even engage in deep discussion with them unless I’m up for it.
When my friend sends a video that reminded her of me or that she finds funny, I don’t click it and just ignore it.
Maybe my friends are growing apart and they text me less because of this, but I’m kind of okay with that because I know they will be there for me when I need it and because I’m genuinely just tired/bored most of the time.
One time, my friend asked me if I’d like to spend time with her, and I just point-blank said “No”. IDK if that’s rude just because I’m being honest and also because it’s not personal, I don’t want to engage with anyone.
“Good” and “bad” aren’t very useful here.
A friend who does not engage in any way is simply not a friend. They don’t become an enemy or whatever: they just drift away until they are simply a person you know.
To be a friend means to engage. It doesn’t have to be texting, though that is now a dominant communication medium and not some fringe thing anymore that people can just wave away as a modern fad.
You can engage in person. You can engage by talking on the phone. You can engage by playing games together. But to not engage at all… it makes me wonder what you think friendship is.
I am “like 50” and I no longer think of friends as “people who are on my side” or “people who know the real me” because all of that can be true even if you haven’t talked in 5 years. If that’s all you want, for someone on earth to be on your side, theoretically, then you’re good.
But that’s not friendship: you have to engage. If you don’t, you will find that you miss out in growth and change in their lives, and after a very short while, they don’t “know the real you” anymore and you don’t know the real them.
Life is to be lived. It’s a thing you do.
It seems like you don’t put any effort in the friendship, and expect that your friends “will be there for you”. That’s selfish.
You should see her other comments. She thinks her friends are useless and wonders “Why try if you suck at everything?”
She thinks that she will always be better than her friends and that she’s better than them at sports “without trying”.
Do you think this is just a troll or an actual teen? I don’t want to waste my time on trolls.
I’m not sure, I knew a mentally ill teen like this. Maybe she is a highly emotionally immature teen.
I know they will be there for me when I need it
Here’s the thing, relationships take work. Not just marriages or romantic ones, they all take work. Effort needs to be made by both parties, or else the relationship will die. I had a friend that affectionately called it “friend work,” where they would spend a bit of time each day putting in the effort needed to maintain a healthy friendship, because if she didn’t, then the relationship would suffer for it.
Not wanting to engage in the world right now is very common, and downright reasonable considering the general state of things. If a relationship you have with someone is mentally stressing you, or sapping your energy, consider whether or not that relationship is valuable to you, and act accordingly. If the relationship is important to you, and you want it to continue or grow, then you have to put effort into it. If the relationship is one-sided, and feels draining, and you want it to end, then put forth zero effort into it, and it will naturally go away.
Thank you for your input :)
deleted by creator
Oh, I remember you, I’ve seen a couple threads from you over the past couple days. So, let’s recap a few of the things I’ve seen you say.
I view people as more tools than anything
They also say I’m a bad sport for calling them useless pieces of crap all the time
I remember one time someone stole the ball from my friend so I called my friend helpless and useless.
When I see someone being useless, I call them out for it. I will always be better than my friends
When something I do is considered “wrong” or “bad”, I genuinely don’t consider it morally wrong at all. I only know it’s wrong because someone told me it is, and if their telling me that doesn’t benefit me in some way, I tend to blame them and see them as acting irrationally.
I call my friends useless and horrible, and I really have no guilt/remorse or sympathy about that. I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.
I want to maintain a good public image, so i say people should be kind and that bullying is wrong, because it’s been done to me amend doesn’t feel good. But to be honest, I couldn’t care less about how other people feel if it doesn’t impact me.
I believe I can feel remorse sometimes, such as if they do something that isn’t benefitting me
That last one really cracks me up. You only feel remorse when someone else does something that doesn’t benefit you. That’s not how remorse works. Remorse is felt when you yourself have done something wrong and are ashamed of it. But based on the things you’ve said, you don’t ever really feel bad about your own actions, maybe at the most giving it a “yeah, I know people say this is wrong”, but it doesn’t look like you ever actually feel it. A lot of what you say reads as the most narcissistic shit I’ve ever seen in my life.
So to answer your question for this thread. Yes. You are a bad friend. Get therapy. Seriously.
Or don’t, and I’m sure you’ll have no friends at all soon enough. But I’m sure you’ll be able to rationalize that as being their fault anyway, so don’t worry, you won’t even have to feel any sort of remorse!
Wow. This reads like the ramblings of a narcissist, a sociopath, or someone incredibly neurodivergent (I am neurodiverse myself).
I agree that they should seek therapy to understand themself.
It could also be that they’re very poor at wording their feelings as I can be like that sometimes and it makes me seem like a nutter, when in fact I just articulated it incorrectly.
Also sounds like a sociopath
I don’t think I have narcissism, just ADHD and depression. Is there a way i can have friends without socializing all the time? I’m quite burnt out because I don’t like most people
Maybe you are a narcissist and maybe you aren’t, neither of us are actually qualified to make that call. A therapist that you see regularly would be, however. Now, while I say I’m not qualified to make that call, I will say that the shit you say is 100% the same shit a narcissist would.
Signs of narcissistic personality disorder include exaggerated sense of self-importance (“I will always be better than my friends”), lack of empathy (“I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.”), and a tendency to exploit others (“I view people as more tools than anything”).
Everything you said that I quoted in my post above is a red flag for narcissism. I could’ve quoted a lot more than I did even, but I figured those would be enough to get the point across.
Now, as for your question about “can I have friends without socializing all the time,” maybe first you should ask yourself, “Do I actually want friends? Or do I just want more tools I can use?” Cuz I don’t believe that you actually want friends.
But regardless, whether it’s ADHD and depression, or narcissism, or some combination of all three, the answer remains the same. You need to find a therapist, and you need to do the work. Work on becoming a decent human who actually cares about other people, aside from how they can benefit you, and having friends will liekly follow.
What don’t you like about most people?
I have ADHD too and exhibit some narcissistic tendencies and I find that I don’t like socialising when I’m tired, struggling to not obsess over a new hobby (like playing a new game, I need to make a conscious effort to see friends and stuff), or just burnt out.
I like to think that I have a social battery and if I don’t charge that up then I’ll be like this.
You should pay particular attention to how I said make a conscious effort to see friends. As friendship is a two way relationship and you have to put effort into them.
It could also be that you have the wrong friend group, unlikely, but possible. I’ve come to realise ghat all my friends of decades, are selfish and don’t make the same considerations as I do when thinking about them. Time keeping for instance. If I was going to pick up a friend I would be on time and I would message them to come out once I’m 1 min away. Whereas my friends will be late, not update me on time scales and tell me to come out when they’re still 10 minutes away. Meaning that they’re not really thinking about my needs and weighing them against their own, and rather are just thinking of themselves.
I would expect that if you continue this, your friends will disengage as well. and no, they will not be there for you if you need it.
I don’t like engaging with people either TBH. Why wouldn’t they be there for me?
Because you’ve never been there for them.
Why do you expect them to do what you can’t be bothered with?
Well, if you are never there, then you aren’t there for them. Thus, they will not be there for you in the future, because you haven’t bothered to be there when they needed it.
Maybe my friends are growing apart and they text me less because of this, but I’m kind of okay with that because I know they will be there for me when I need it
I have someone I used to be friends with. I’d text her while watching wrestling, and she’d reply.
Then her replies got shorter and shorter. I’d write a paragraph, and she’d write “Yeah lol”. Eventually she just stopped replying. Eventually I just stopped texting.
This past Christmas I got a text from her that was clearly mass texted. It was just a “Merry Christmas” thing.
I looked at it, and realized we hadn’t talked at all in almost 2 years. Why is she texting me this? Do I reply? Is she trying to reopen communication? Then I realized she probably clicked “select all” in her contacts list, and I just happened to still be in there. I didn’t reply.
When you don’t commicate, you send the message that you don’t want to communicate. I have a rule about friends. If I’m ALWAYS the one starting the conversation, then you clearly don’t care about me. And I stop caring about you over time.
It’s not that your friends are drifting apart from you. It’s that you’re pushing them away from you. If I asked a friend if they wanted to come out on whatever event to hang out, and they just bluntly and coldly said “No.”, I would take that as an insult. Like, oh, ok. You don’t enjoy my company. Fine then. I’ll go without you.
And at some point, you push everybody away. Then you wake up one day at 30 years old, and realize you need new friends. Except 30 year olds aren’t out there trying to make friends. And it gets harder and harder progressively as the years go by to make new friends.
So yeah. I totally see you as being at fault here.
Instead of saying “No.” just say “No, I need some recharge time.” At least then it’s about you taking care of your own mental health, and not just “Do I want to hang out with YOU? No!”
See, that moves it away from them being the problem, and lets them understand you just need some alone time. Always remember, every relationship always has at least two sides. You are not the main character in a story.
Spot on.
Only thing I’d change is when turning down an invite, act like you wanted to but can’t (even if the reason is you’re tired).
“Oh, man, I’d love to go, but I’m wiped. Need to get some sack time”. This may seem disingenuous, but it really isn’t - you’re not going because you need that recharge time, just phrasing it in a way others can understand, and making it clear you’d like to do such things in the future.
Thank you so much. A friend just blocked me because she wanted to leave me alone
Yes, I feel pretty confident in saying that in this case you are the problem. I have sympathy for antisocial behaviour as I’m that way myself too but you seem just straight up rude if not even mean.
because I know they will be there for me when I need it
I wouldn’t count on it.
How did you enhance interactions with people?
If you’re not interested in talking to them or spending time with them, why do you call them friends?
apparently they think she’s pretty and give her stuff
What he said. They give me stuff, they basically worship me.
i doubt it
Relationships and conversations require both sides to put in effort, or else they die.
You say you know that they will be there when you need it, but are you sure? It doesn’t sound like you’re giving them what they need.
Sounds like depression to me. Tired and bored all the time are quite classic signs of it. Maybe try and seek some help while you are still young? Before letting it manifest into something bigger
I actually do have diagnosed depression since age 17
How are you treating it? And if not you should start. Don’t let it grow now
Thank you, I’ll try, i just try to let it pass for now because my depression is on and off. Usually, I’m a very happy person.
When you say friends, what do you think friends are? It sounds like you’re not engaging or taking an interest at all. They sound like acquaintances, people you know. Not friends.
Makes sense. They help me sometimes and I’m quite friendly to them in person
I responded to the last time you posted this, that yes you are. I would just stop responding to you. If you don’t want to engage then why respond at all? You can type out this long post but only one worded replies?
Well I can talk about my feelings and experiences easily, I’m just bad at communicating with people unless I’m interested in it
Feels like you don’t want to be friends with them. You respond more to me than them and idk you.
I mean, I guess I do, but I’m terrible at socializing and also don’t like it
Socialization is a skill, not a gift. If you want to become strong, you have to work out at the gym, if you want to socialize, you have to interact more with people.
Very few people are bad at socializing, they’re bad at making an effort to socialize, because it’s painful at the beginning, like working out.
May be due to a traumatic experience, a pernicious or sheltered environment, even plain laziness; but we are not set in stone, we can change if we want to, and are grown ups enough to live with the consequences if we don’t.
Thank you so much. It’s probably a mix of depression and laziness then
Was this a better effort?
“how are you?”
“Listening to music.”
“what band??”
“Idk. Metallica or something”
“what song from them? i love metallica”
“Idk”
—- “what are you up to today?”
“Watching TV”
“what show?”
“Idk I can’t say”
Also, do I actually type like a 50-year-old?
you don’t type like a 50 year old, you type like someone who’s not interested in having a conversation
Of course not, if I was chatting with you I’d feel like I was bothering you.
- “How are you?”
- “Listening to music”
- “What band?”
- “It’s on shuffle, I think it’s Metallica”
- “What song from them? I love Metallica”
- “IDK, let me check. It’s ‘Sad But True’. I think it’s actually good”.
—-
- “What are you up to today?”
- “Watching TV”
- “What show?”
- “It’s Rick and Morty, but don’t tell anyone”
- “Why?”
- “I’m afraid others will think I’m an incel or something”
My mom and mother-in-law are in their 80s, and they’re not great texters but you can tell they’re making an effort, and that counts a lot. It’s not about caring about how well you text, but how a series of dry answers might make your friends feel like a nuisance.
You need to “groom” others to care about you so they tolerate antisocial behaviors, but not all people can be groomed this way.
this sounds far better than how OP texts
My new response as “I’M WATCHING. A MOVIE!!!” :)
My friend just asked if I was ok.
Update: I said “NOOOO.” and she blocked me??
Not really better. How do you not know what you’re doing? Did the show just randomly come on when you turned on the TV/Metallica song came up in a playlist?
No
If you don’t like socializing, you won’t have friends. Those things go hand-in-hand.
Maybe examining why you feel this way about socializing would help. Do you really not enjoy all socializing, or just certain things?
Socializing is a major part of life, you could almost say it’s “The Thing”. I’m not saying you need to go throw on a lampshade every day, just that we’re all engaging with each other every day. You may talk to a sibling for a while, then a friend, have lunch with a coworker, take a walk with someone from a class to discuss what you’re not getting.
Without socializing, we may as well go live in a cave, and that’s not good (nor realistic).
I guess I just feel more energized when I’m alone
You are the best friend. You tell it like it is. When a funeral comes around, you smirk in the knowledge that we’ll all be dead soon. People need spicy truths like that distilled into one word responses, it screams of eloquence and high-brow thinking.
Why waste time on the uggs, when you can use that time more efficiently to work on your charming personality.
I personally think you are a visionary in this respect, and am certain that I would have to avert my gaze from the sheer blinding sheen of being in the presence of a superior being if I were to ever share the same planet as you.
Thanks!!
I have to ask - did you read that entire comment and not detect any hint of sarcasm?
Did you actually think this wasn’t complete sarcasm?
Of course not. She screams of eloquence and high-brow thinking, and mere sarcasm I does not match her level of comprehension. She’s otherworldly
I can’t comprehend sarcasm that well, sorry 😓
It’s not really about the sarcasm itself, what they were saying was so ridiculous that having that as an actual opinion is just completely unrealistic. It shows that your conecpt of reality in ragards to yourself, i.e. self-awareness, is currently very lacking.
Eh, I’m sure my friends think that about me too. They come to me for help/advice and talk about how pretty I am.
They also are very kind to me. They do things for me and give things to me as gifts. This one lady bought me something even
It seems obvious you know your behavior sucks. You can either make an effort, which most people actually do, or you can pretend you don’t understand and use it as an excuse.
Eventually they won’t be there for you. Why would they when you can’t even be polite or watch their stupid little half a minute videos.
Relationships take effort. It’s easy to notice when the effort is only one sided and it’s very hard to come back from it once it’s clear. Minimum effort or less doesn’t make for good friendships.
Oh ok
What if I’m too depressed to watch their videos, let alone text?
Then you’re a bad friend because of your depression. It’s unfortunate and not something you should feel even more bad/depressed about, but it’s simply true.
If they’re good friends they will understand if you just tell them the truth. Instead of saying “No” you can just say, “sorry, I’m really depressed, I can’t do this”. It’s a bit longer to write/say, but at least you’re communicating honestly.
If you want to be a good friend and actually be friends with these specific people, you got to work on your depression somehow, if it is truly what is causing this behavior.
Thank you so much. I told my friends that I was really depressed and that I was sorry.
I’m glad :) I hope you can get to a better place with your depression. I’ve been through it, I know how much it sucks. If you need more advice/explanations/help, don’t hesitate to ask.
Many people in here treated you very unfairly, because you did sound very much like you’re saying “I’m incredibly amazing and can do nothing wrong”, and some people assume that such a person could never do something different and they absolutely hate that.
A healthy confidence is incredibly important, but so is knowing that you’re not perfect either. I’m very proud that it seems like you can do both :)
Thank youuu!
