hey there hexbear nd gang! it’s that time of year for the first time ever!

here we are once again approaching the end of the year according to the roman imperial calendar that we all have to use for some reason. it’s the winter holiday season in the global north, a time of great symbolic significance to many people.

and so, i want to solicit your thoughts about this community, what it means to you, how you’d like to see it evolve, changes in moderation policy, suggestions for thumbnail and banner images, or anything else related to the comm or neurodiversity in general.

or just come hang out!

i also want to invite applications for new moderators for this comm. what would you like to do as a moderator for c/neurodiversity?

personally i’ve largely been a placeholder, but i do love this community and i want to see it grow as a shared and safe space for our neurodivergent comrades to talk about ourselves and with each other. i also want to do better and want your input about what that means.

c/nd has a well behaved user base so we don’t need extra mod help for enforcement or anything like that. what i’m mainly looking for is fresh perspectives on community engagement and growth.

there is absolutely no requirement to disclose any personal information about yourself, just to make that clear. but if you’re interested in moderating this community, please contact @CARCOSA@hexbear.net, myself, and/or the other nd mods with an application.

if deadlines help motivate you, you have 3 days from the time you read this.

if deadlines harm your motivation, don’t worry about it. if an application comes in a month or two from now of course we’ll still consider it. this isn’t a job, i’m just asking for volunteers to help moderate a small internet message board.

Application

What is your Hexbear username?

Do you have any preferred pronouns?

What are your thoughts on capitalism?

What are your thoughts on imperialism?

What are your thoughts on trans rights?

What are your thoughts on racial justice?

What are your thoughts on neurodiversity?

What do think about current and previous protests around the world?

What are your thoughts on Veganism and Animal Liberation?

Do you have any experience with other leftist online communities? What did those experiences teach you?

What is your approach to moderation, and how do you work with teams?

How do you deal with online drama and people who try to start things for the sake of it?

Do you have any ideas for c/neurodiveristy community engagement?

What is your general time availability? (amounts, common browsing times, etc)

Element information

Element is a messaging app that lets you talk to people over the Matrix protocol.

To get started, check out this link, where you can choose to either download Element for your platform or, if on a computer, open it in a browser (“Launch Element Web”).

The instructions that follow are for the desktop application and the web application, but the process is similar on all apps:

  • Press “Create Account”
  • We host our own Matrix server, so if you want you can change matrix.org to chapo.chat. This is completely optional; users who sign up with a matrix.org username can still talk to people with chapo.chat username. (Note: It is chapo.chat, not hexbear.net. Also, registrations aren’t always open on chapo.chat; if they’re not, just create an account on matrix.org)
  • Fill in a username and password
  • Hit register, and you’re done!
  • booty [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    44·
    11 months ago

    what would you like to do as a moderator for c/neurodiversity?

    i would first permanently ban everyone who isnt gay

    then i would ban everyone who is gay

    then i would ban myself

    thank you for coming to my tedx talk

  • Cromalin [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    24·
    11 months ago

    listening to remain in light for the 56th time and i have never felt more seen by an album. the way the music jumps around, the lyrics, the way david byrne sings. it all is just perfectly designed for my brain to latch onto and not let go

    idk if this is neurodivergent but david byrne is autistic and other autistic people seem to get it while the neurotypical people i’ve recommended it to are mostly kind of put off by it. it’s a well respected album though so that’s probably outliers

    • Comp4 [comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
      17·
      11 months ago

      Read more books (will try 1-2 per month). Start lifting again. Meet some of my old and new friends more in 2024. Try to paint miniatures for at least 30min each day. I really started to connect more with people and do things I really wanted to do. I basically just want to do more of that.

          • context [fae/faer, fae/faer]@hexbear.netOPMEnglish
            13·
            11 months ago

            i am worried about grad school. so many things come easy to me i dont have any skills to deal with things that dont come easy.

            ah the curse of the gifted child. i found grad school depends heavily on your relationship with your advisor, pretty much everyone i’ve seen quit over the years it’s been because their advisor isn’t supportive. like so many things it’s less about how hard the work is and more about the social constructs built up around gatekeeping academic credentials.

          • infuziSporg [e/em/eir]@hexbear.netEnglish
            9·
            11 months ago

            so many things come easy to me i dont have any skills to deal with things that dont come easy.

            That was my downfall exactly. Or at least, my derailment- I took a very circuitous route to building up a life story. Yet I still often wonder how things would have turned out had I emerged from the standard college years with a graduate degree.

          • HexBroke [any, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
            8·
            11 months ago

            grad school should be a challenge but that will be a nice change of pace

            Unfortunately and fortunately with ADHD and grad school, I found all the techniques that got me through every other educational year were still very effective (just with more emotional handwringing about being any good)

          • autismdragon [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
            4·
            10 months ago

            college was 10 times easier than highschool thank god.

            Exact opposite experiance for me. Coped very well with highscool. Got doing everything the night before down to a science. Made it through with solid As ans Bs with only a couple Cs, one in freshman gym of all things. Fell apart sligtly senior year as shit started to catch up with me, but mostly held if together.

            Fell apart completly in college. Too much reading, where I pathologically cannot skim. Big projects couldnt be procrastinated the way they were before. And i was halfway across the country from parental support/supervision. Coped so well in highschool without it that i had no ND safety bars, plus regious nature of the school meant they probably wouldnt have recognized it anyway. Stopped taking care of myself. Flunked 4/6 classes in two trimesters, one pass was only because of a very kind prof. No easy busywork homework to keep my grade afloat. Tests werent the type i was good at anymore, plus i couldnt handle the reading and just got internet addicted. Complete disaster.

            Got accedmically suspended. Got kicked out by mom for it, moved in with dad. Took a couple single classes that i passed, but honors Sociology 101 i only passed because my teacher was kind enough to give me an incomplete and give me a whole semesters worth of time to do the work. Signed up for a full semester of four classes and actually somehow passed everything. But got depressed over Christmas break. Started missing classes, dropped out of two of four classes. Dad kicked me out over it and i withdrew entirely. Havent been back since.

      • ReadFanon [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
        4·
        10 months ago

        Good luck getting Vyvanse lol.

        So if you want to know the low-down on the Vyvanse shortage it’s because Takeda, the pharma corp that previously held the patent over Vyvanse, had the patent expire early this year (Feb I think.)

        The DEA strictly controls stimulant meds and their precursors in the US.

        Takeda happens to produce Vyvanse in the US through it’s American arm.

        This time around, instead of the DEA providing its usual allocation of Vyvanse precursor entirely to Takeda (which I believe happens around every October) as has been the case since it came into manufacturing, the allocation has been divided across multiple pharmaceutical corporations who are producing generic Vyvanse as well as some going to Takeda, although significantly less than what they got this time last year.

        The only problem is that to establish manufacturing processes, stock levels, and the necessary distribution chains for a strictly controlled substance like Vyvanse isn’t easy. So essentially there’s about the same Vyvanse to go around as there was last year but due to manufacturing and supply chain issues there’s currently a global shortage.

        All of this boils down to the razor-sharp efficiency in the market as it awkwardly staggers its way through producing multiple facsimiles of already-existing manufacturing processes and supply chains that are so similar they might as well be identical.

        God bless capitalism! May the immaculate rationality of the market touch us all!

    • fanbois [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
      14·
      11 months ago

      Establish a sleep schedule. I just have to accept how important it is to everything I do.

      Work on my new relationship. It’s my first open one and I got to learn a lot of stuff about communication and acceptance.

    • roux [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
      13·
      11 months ago

      I’m considering trying to finally give up drinking since I recently learned that it’s a mask of sorts and is also absolutely not healthy, especially mentally.

      And after talking with my therapist, I might be seeking medication again for my severe depression and anxiety. I want a promise that I won’t have to jump through hoops when my SSRIs are almost out just to get more and I have developed a dependency for them because that super doesn’t fucking help with the anxiety part. Looking at you amerikkkan healthcare system.

    • AlpineSteakHouse [any]@hexbear.netEnglish
      11·
      11 months ago

      • Ditching Red meat and alcohol to start my multi-year plan on improving my diet.

      • Lose the last ~35 lbs to get to an ideal weight.

      • complete a half-marathon, start training for a full one.

    • HexBroke [any, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
      8·
      11 months ago

      Until the pandemic I’d read more than a hundred books a year which felt reasonable and ~7000 books over an average human lifespan felt alright, so I want to get back into that

      Post pandemic it’s been like, five books a year or something, which is disappointing because I greatly enjoy reading and can’t really articulate why I stopped.

    • joaomarrom [he/him, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
      4·
      10 months ago

      continue steadily taking my lithium, which has helped me immensely so far, and I also hope to go back to therapy

      continue my transition from teacher into professional woodworker

      still on that topic, I want to see how much quality furniture I can make for my apartment over the year

      start studying classical guitar again, as soon as my fingernails grow again - I broke my index fingernail in a very bad way and had to cut it all the way down to the flesh, and it’s been taking a long while to regrow

      overall no big resolutions, I just want to continue doing what has been good for me throughout this otherwise very nasty year

  • Maaj [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    21·
    11 months ago

    I just want to get done with studying, pass these exams, get a job (I don’t really want this one), get a car (don’t really want this one either), and start dating again. It’s all taking too long and I’m antsy as fuck about it. I’m 31 y’all. Don’t drink alcohol to handle social situations, it’s not worth it.

  • maccruiskeen [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    19·
    11 months ago

    I’d really like to get out more but I need to get over the initial social anxiety. I make friends but I always assume they secretly find my company annoying so I keep my distance until we lose touch. It doesn’t help that everyone’s busy all the time.

    When I met with a psychiatrist he told me that I’m hard on myself. I think about sometimes, but forget about it when I have negative thoughts and there’s no one around to correct me and I end up spiraling a bit before going back to my regular depressive state.

  • stigsbandit34z [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    19·
    11 months ago

    Frankly, this community has been so damn important to me. It’s literally the only place Incan go to feel somewhat understood/not mocked or told I’m overreacting. I’m incredibly thankful that I found it and seriously cannot express my gratitude enough 🥹 I can only hope to find some people like y’all irl ❤️

  • anaesidemus [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    18·
    10 months ago

    my first year with a diagnosis and on stimulants and it’s probably been my best year since like childhood or something.

    Still feel like shit most of the time but at least the spiral is going up instead of down!

    community is great

    what do mods do, really?

    • context [fae/faer, fae/faer]@hexbear.netOPMEnglish
      4·
      10 months ago

      what do mods do, really?

      for c/nd not very much, mostly deal with the rare report. but we could do a little more like someone’s suggestion of a periodic social anxiety check-in post, that kind of thing.

  • Magician [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    15·
    11 months ago

    It’s been nice being able to talk about my experiences and thoughts here. A lot of pieces have started to fall into place as I’m understanding myself.

    I appreciate the space Hexbear and the mods/users have cultivated here.

    I like being able to ask questions here without fearing judgment.

    I’ve thought about making posts like, ‘What’s a niche topic you want to talk about?’ and making space for people who’ve done a lot of research about something, but had no space irl to talk about it.

    Another post idea is like a weekly check-in to get a sense of perspective on situations that might seem ambiguous.

    However, that sharing certain quirks around our experiences or special interests could offer too much identifying information or that such posts might turn into a therapeutic space instead of a community if that makes sense.

    • Red_Eclipse [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      12·
      11 months ago

      I’ve thought about making posts like, ‘What’s a niche topic you want to talk about?’ and making space for people who’ve done a lot of research about something, but had no space irl to talk about it.

      Ooh an infodump thread! That sounds like fun.

  • autismdragon [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    14·
    10 months ago

    Ok. Im actually kind of mad about this, but i dont want to cause problems in whats been a peaceful, positive thread.

    But i have to ask, as politely as possible, why is the veganism question part of the mod application for the neurodiversity comm? Would i be rejected for not following the hexbear party line on the subject?

    Because while i think veganism is a good thing to practice, ive been constantly put off by the way vegans on this site seem to not give a damn about the fact that a vegan diet can be difficult to literally actually impossible for autistic people. Whether its just difficulty changing habits like me, or whether its extreme cases of people with asd only being able to stomach a short list of foods like my friend. This is a neurosdiversity issue id like to discuss. But i frankly do not feel safe doing so here, not even in the ND comm. To see a question i feel is irrelevant to a person’s ability to moderate an ND comm on the application makes me more certain of that. Seems like a way to filter out disent like that.

    Also without bringing up meta drama specifics, i know of other ND users who share my discomfort with the veganism discourse on this site, and the behavior of certain vegan users.

    • context [fae/faer, fae/faer]@hexbear.netOPMEnglish
      7·
      10 months ago

      why is the veganism question part of the mod application for the neurodiversity comm? Would i be rejected for not following the hexbear party line on the subject?

      hey autismdragon, the shortest and truest answer is that it’s a question on the default application that i copied and pasted, and i didn’t remove it despite making a couple other minor nd-specific changes. approval of applications isn’t solely up to me, although the nd mods are also given broad discretion to appoint mods we vouch for. so i think the real answer regarding approval is it will simply depend on who’s reading it and deciding. site mods and at least some of the nd mods will surely want to see some kind of answer to that question consistent with hexbear policy.

      my understanding of hexbear policy is that while it’s a pro-vegan and animal liberation site, what gets enforced is prohibiting anti-vegan sentiments.

      Volunteers, comments, and posts, should not be anti-vegan, although users and volunteers are not required to be vegan.

      per the code of conduct.

      i feel like there’s plenty of room within that for you and others to discuss your own diets and habits. the discussion elsewhere in this thread has so far been one comment from a vegan encouraging another user to go beyond ditching red meat, and then a few follow up comments from other users about oysters. looks pretty well behaved to me and i have not received any reports about any of those comments.

      i hope this addresses your concerns. we’re trying to curate a safe and comfortable environment for our neurodivergent users, but this community is on hexbear and the hexbear code of conduct applies.

      • autismdragon [he/him, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        12·
        10 months ago

        Thank you for the response. I appreciate it and understand about the application.

        I did leave an angry comment on that one post you mentioned though. Which was mostly me being annoyed about the situation already. I think ill delete it after writing this.

        But i do think Venus’s reply was out of line for the situation at hand. Sharing new years resolutions among ND users, and someone shares that theyre giving up red meat, a net good for themselves and the world, and Venus chimes in that thats not good enough?

        Dietary changes are very difficult for a lot of autistic people in the best of circumstances. I think it was inappapropriate for the context.

  • Moss [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    13·
    10 months ago

    This semester really convinced me that I have ADHD. I haven’t gotten a diagnosis because I don’t know how to go about doing that. My brain is not fun and quirky and full of energy, I just get really tense if I’m sitting still and always need to have something tactile in my hands and I can’t focus very well. Executive dysfunction kicked my ass during exam season, knowing I had to study but not being physically able to bring myself to open a book made me feel terrible.

    My goal for 2024 is to get an evaluation. Whether I get diagnosed or not, I just want to know more about my mind, because I don’t understand why I’m like this

      • Moss [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        5·
        10 months ago

        I’ll try to do it soon, I just looked at ADHD clinics in Ireland and they’re like 400 euros for one out of three sessions, I love private healthcare so much. I’m gonna have to go through public channels which should be fun, because my doctor is also my mother and she generally doesn’t believe anything that I say about my mental health

        I’m gonna have to find a new doctor as soon as the holidays are over and I go back to my own place

      • DragonBallZinn [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        3·
        10 months ago

        It’s painfully ironic. I’m pretty sure I have ADHD too, and in order to make sure, you are subject to the torture of waiting in an always-out-the-door line.

  • bubbalu [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    13·
    11 months ago

    My partner is autistic and has been encouraging me to unmask more, in general and to myself. It has been a bit disheartening to see how much energy I was spending on pretending, but such a joy to get it back. I finally really cleaned my house and, just now, walked into my kitchen and got so excited being in a clean room that I stimmed in a way I hadn’t let myself in years. It felt really good.

      • bubbalu [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        14·
        10 months ago

        Introduction
        Kill the cop in your head! Seek to understand for yourself why you do what you do. Redefine what is necessary behavior. So with masking, I reflected and realized I did it to feel safe and acceptable in 4 spheres: 1) the occupational sphere, 2) the general public (i.e. the store, about town), 3) with friends, 4) with myself. After a lot of reflection and with support from my partner, I was able to realize that I was extending the constraints of the most limiting sphere (#1) to all of the others. That is to say, I was more regulated than necessary to meet my desire for safety. To be more straightforward, I was able to see I could still feel safe and accepted when I unmasked. For me, that was the precondition.

        Why Unmask
        Extended metaphors and schema work really well for me. Overall I view my energy as bandwidth that is allocated to different thought processes, stressors, and the like. Certain things passively consume bandwidth. For instance, I have a physical disability that occupies about 5% of my bandwidth at all times, and more when I am managing it poorly. Or when i have many upcoming obligations but no calendar, I use bandwidth trying to keep my schedule in mind. Bandwidth not used passively is what is available for productive work, hobbies, interests, spirituality, presence and immediacy, creativity. Too much passive use creates a stress response in my body—this also uses up bandwidth and is a positive feedback loop. Consequently, I seek to minimize my passive bandwidth usage.

        And masking uses up a lot of passive bandwidth! I joke and call it ‘my affect chip’. Like I have different voices and personas for different settings. Some of them are even fun to inhabit. However, I do not need to be using that bandwidth up all of the damn time, especially when I am alone, with lovers, with friends. Letting go of masking in certain spheres has made my life overall more manageable, more pleasant, and has allowed me to be more present. Like there is a positive feedback loop with my overwhelm response, there has been a positive feedback loop with unmasking. Since I have more energy with myself, I am more present with myself and better able to handle disruptions and challenges; i.e. I am more resillient. It also leads to cute moments like last night where I woke up to get some water, walked into my clean kitchen, got excited that it was finally clean, and didn’t repress myself from stimming like I did as a child when I was excited! I noticed what I was doing and that I felt very little shame about it, and that made me feel even better.

        How do you do it, unmasking?

        1. Determine why you mask, what need or desire is fulfilled by masking. For instance: safety (avoiding bullying), ability to meet expectations of employment context (still a safety need since capitalism necessitates work for survival), aesthetics, beauty standards, etc.
        2. Determine if the same need is present in all spheres in which you mask. For instance: Work, General Public, Family, Political Org, Distant Friends/Group Settings, Close Friends, Intimates, Self.
        3. Determine whether or what degree of masking is actually necessary to fulfill your needs. If you found multiple needs, especially if needs that necessitate masking are different between contexts, it is necessary to find the degree of masking you feel is necessary for each need-context pair.
        4. Determine what your masking behaviors are. Determine what needs they address or may be intended to address. Note: this will probably occur organically throughout this whole reflection. This step may be placed prior to step 3, too, depending on what feels constructive.
        5. Determine what masking behaviors are actually necessary in each context, and be liberated from the ones that are not. Most of the progress will come from this step, but the others are necessary for it to be effective.

        Conclusion
        Even if fully unmasking feels unsafe and unacceptable, we can normalize and embrace our beautiful selves internally and make more space for ourselves in our own lives. Kill the cop in your head and liberate your mind!

  • FourteenEyes [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    13·
    10 months ago

    This year I fully accepted myself as autistic as well as ADHD. Got depression and anxiety on top of that. All part of the fun, I think.

    I had a big long thing written out about trauma and whatnot but I’m fucking tired. Once again stating my intent to do a book club for Unmasking Autism, and it’d be easier to manage that if I was a mod here, so why the hell not? I’ll throw my name in the hat.

    • ReadFanon [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
      6·
      10 months ago

      The fun(?) part is trying to work out which of the depressive symptoms are actually ADHD symptoms of inattentiveness (i.e. the non-hyperactive side of ADHD, but they really need to have different terms for this tbh because it doesn’t really fit), which are symptoms of executive dysfunction due to the ADHD/autism combo, whether some of the depressive symptoms might be catatonia, and if the anxiety is due to a lack of norepinephrine or because you’re basically winding yourself up psychologically as a compensatory strategy to deal with ADHD symptoms.

      • FourteenEyes [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        10·
        10 months ago

        I think it’s mostly that I’m incredibly lonely and I feel like such a fucking weirdo that I don’t fit anywhere I go and any sort of sense of belonging is entirely alien to me. I feel like an outsider even here. I don’t really know how to form deep relationships with human beings and it haunts me.

        • ReadFanon [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
          10·
          10 months ago

          Sorry to hear that comrade.

          I’m not sure about your circumstances but as general advice, especially to late diagnosed and late self-identifying folks, is that people who are autistic in particular form relationships in a different way from allistic folks (this also applies to a certain amount to ADHD folks but it tends to vary in degree) and to develop ways to embrace this.

          If you are high masking and you put in a lot of effort trying to force yourself to fit the allistic mode of forming relationships then it’s going to have some significant impacts on you (please don’t take this as a beatdown btw, this comes from a place of sympathy and solidarity):

          • You can find yourself putting in a ton of energy which can lead you to burning out and this alone can really disrupt efforts to have longer lasting connections with people if you’re dropping off frequently or for long periods of time.

          • Putting in a disproportionate amount of effort into a relationship by masking and trying to fit can lead to feeling unappreciated which can lead to you developing feelings of resentment as well as them being far less invested in the relationship, which can set you up for being abandoned and potentially even exploited or abused due to the inherent asymmetric nature of the relationship.

          • You can find that all of that effort you put in means that the other person connects with a very “curated” personality that you have developed for them, rather than connecting with a more authentic version of yourself. This can lead to them feeling disconnected from you but moreso that you will feel unsatisfied and alienated in the relationship because they’re not really connecting with you as a person but instead with a performance. And when that performance slips - when you need to be you - often people feel put off or deceived to see behind the mask and that can lead to them rejecting you. Also, on your side of things, when you have a connection to someone which is based on the curated version of yourself it’s much more likely to feel superficial to you which makes it extremely difficult to feel genuinely connected and it becomes very easy to lose contact with people.

          To elaborate a little more using an analogy, if you’ve ever worked in a customer-facing role then there were probably a couple of customers who you genuinely liked and looked forward to seeing, who you could be a bit more “human” with. Then there were probably the vast majority of customers you had that you felt largely indifferent to - ones who you would say the right things and put on the right smile with but you probably wouldn’t even notice if they never came back through again.

          That’s a lot like how masking functions in a deeper sense with our relationships to others - if you’re putting on something akin to a front that a customer service worker uses, you’re going to come across a lot of people who seem nice enough but if you’re only ever on that superficial level of connection then it’s extremely easy for them to drift out of your life and for you to drift out of theirs without a second thought.

          Also high maskers generally tend to have a high level of shame and social rejection, at least in their history, and this can be really corrosive to your sense of self-worth. (“Toxic” shame, if you want to use the modern lingo, but I’ll spare you a dissertation on why I’m less than keen on that term because it’s useful here as a conceptual distinction.) It’s really difficult to form relationships when you are experiencing a high level of deep/chronic shame and low self-worth. If this is something that you deal with then neurodivergent affirming therapists and trauma therapists are going to be particularly important to help you work through this because, unfortunately, there’s no simple bullet-point comment that can resolve this stuff as much as I wish it could.

          With all of that said, I’d recommend that you seek out a setting where your niche interest(s) are likely to attract other neurodivergent folks. Think the nerdier stuff and the spaces which attract the diehard fans. It could be volunteering at a museum or it could be going to particular conventions or a local DnD group or a knitting circle. Whatever happens to be either something that you just love to be engrossed in or something that you could see yourself participating in which is likely to attract other neurodivergent folks to.

          Generally speaking neurodivergent people are going to be easier to get along with, much easier to unmask around, and if you’re like “Hey, sorry I haven’t been in contact with you for the past 6 months” they’re gonna be like “Eh, that’s cool” or “Shit, has it been 6 months? I was supposed to have written my thesis by now and I haven’t even started on it…” and you’ll tend to pick back up right where you left off. (Of course neurodivergent people are people and that means you’re guaranteed to find some duds too.)

          Final thought: it might be worth hashing this one out with yourself or with a therapist but there’s a big difference between being different/an oddball/whatever and in being an outsider. You can be a complete weirdo and still belong, even within a group of normal people. It’s extremely easy to conflate your experiences of social rejection with being unconventional and to pin all the blame for the rejection you’ve experienced on that. The paradoxical thing in that situation is that the more you blame being unusual for social rejection, the harder you try to be normal to fit in and the more difficult it becomes, meaning that you can end up caught in a cycle that looks like:

          Struggle to fit in > Get rejected > Blame being unusual > Try harder > Struggle to fit in even more > Get rejected

          in an endless cycle.

          If this is something that resonates with you and you feel like you want to work on it then I’d recommend finding a good narrative therapist for it because imo their practice model is much more compatible with neurodivergent people compared to something like CBT or, in this example, DBT and it’s something that would be right up their alley.

          • ashinadash [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
            3·
            10 months ago

            Hi, I’m not FourteenEyes but this comment is a day old and speaks to my soul and I hate it:

            spoiler

            You can find yourself putting in a ton of energy which can lead you to burning out and this alone can really disrupt efforts to have longer lasting connections with people if you’re dropping off frequently or for long periods of time.

            This is me

            Putting in a disproportionate amount of effort into a relationship by masking and trying to fit can lead to […]

            This is me too

            You can find that all of that effort you put in means that the other person connects with a very “curated” personality […]

            This one is me also

            Thing is, A) obviously nobody wants to genuinely connect with the whole actual me because I am insanely weird or something, B) there have been cases where I have poured my entire guts out to someone and had what I thought were really good conversations, discussions of trauma, real bonding over hardships and discussing how to handle them type stuff, except that the above ends up happening again anyway. They just don’t wanna talk about anything I’m interested in, and also frequently are incapable of sharing anything about themselves.

            Also high maskers generally tend to have a high level of shame and social rejection,

            This is me too wow, incredible! No attempt at speaking to a person has ever gone truly well for me save one, so how can I not have these things?

            seek out a setting where your niche interest(s) are likely to attract other neurodivergent folks.

            Where and also lmao. There often aren’t spaces for my weird insufferable interests, so I’m usually left screaming into the void in places tangentially related to the stuff I like, always online. Also worth noting I just do not fuck around with neurotypicals anymore if I can help it, which sadly has not helped much.

            I generally resist trying to fit in which just makes me feel like an aberration everywhere I go and it’s so incredibly fucking frustating holy shit. By rights I am not all that weird, certainly there must be people like me but they also must not be anywhere near where I am or the spaces in which I speak.

    • homhom9000 [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      3·
      10 months ago

      I’ve been struggling trying to navigate the world as autistic this year and reading a few pages of unmasking autism helped me so much. I didn’t get far so I’d be down for a book club with other comrades