I mean like awareness that, just under the surface, there are deep explorations waiting for the right time and place to emerge; things you’ve set aside or placed on the back burner but will tackle eventually/many you already have tackled.
Are you deeply self aware of these interests like some kind of list? If so, are these interests deeply connected in your mind to your past explorations and interests like some kind of road map or branching tree structure of thought?
Okay, this is going to sound really odd given the interest focus, but my personal identity.
I spent years knowing I wanted to explore myself more, feeling like there was something missing from myself, but kept shoving it aside. I had work to focus on, relationships, I’d have time to figure it out when things calm down.
Kinda just turned out I didn’t have the time I thought. Those feelings were waiting to burst out, and now I’m struggling to keep my head above my own waters.
For less introspective, the drums. Always had an interest in music, I’m semi-decent on a piano, but drums have always been this thing to me. Just never really had the space to feel like it was worth investing in a kit. They’re loud, kinda big, they’re probably going to sound awful while I’m learning.
It’s been a background “hey, this is neat” for most of my life, but recently I’ve found a deeper drive to get to where I can start.
What do you mean specifically when you say you want to explore yourself more? What would that entail?
That’s more meant my gender and how I express it. I’ve done drag in the past, mainly for things like Rocky Horror, and it felt really comfortable. I always let it set to the side, there were other things going on and what I felt was probably just the magic of the stage. But its ate at me, quietly, rarely feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Over about the last two years I’ve went on a fairly deep dive into myself. Started with talking to my partner, telling them about what I was feeling, what pronouns I felt fit, and we went from there. I’ve bought dresses, skirts, feminine tops. Dived more into taking care of my skin, my hair, my nails. Things that, while I never would disparage another for, felt like lines I couldn’t cross due to my perception of what it meant for me to be a man.
I’ve found that I love these things, alongside more typical “masculine” stuff, and as I’ve accepted that I love these things, that they are a part of me, I’ve realized they’ve always been there. That they have always been a part of this want to feel like my true, healthy self, just below the surface. That there’s more underneath, I just need to let myself reach down to it.
But where I am right now, it’s people online, my spouse, and a few close friends who know. It’s not safe for me, in multiple ways, to really get to step outside, interact with the world with my true face. I want to know what that feels like. To know what it feels like to tell someone new “You can call me Rose”. To see what new things come to the surface when I can fully embrace who I am, outside and in.
That’s fair, and I’m glad you’re in a part of the world that allows you to express yourself freely.
If being on the stage, dressing different, or playing the drums is something you want to go at, I’d say do it. You won’t know it until you’re in it. There will be some aspects you like, and some you won’t. What you perceive and what actually is, are often different.
I’ve always found that the things I excel at, are the things I’m genuinely interested in. And when I follow those paths for a while, they all have similar lessons. It’s like an all rivers lead to the ocean kinda thing.
Counter intuitively though, I also feel more liberated when I’m disciplined about getting little goals done on those paths. When I follow my exact, in the moment emotions, it usually leads me to addiction and forms of laziness. Just gotta push through the bullshit for a bit lol. “Beauty stems from pain” sort of fits with what I’m saying here. Might not be the same for everyone though, but for the past few years I’ve been excited to get out of bed lol.
Anyways, listen to your heart and you’ll feel full. Good luck!