Once or twice in the 90’s. I was walking home from eating general Pao’s Chicken. I felt the urge to shit so I turned into an alley dropped my drawers and began to spray fire. I lit up a Newport as you do.

Interestingly my math teach was walking down the alley and caught me with my pants down and a cigarette in my mouth.

That was weird. She pretended not to recognize me.

I work in remote areas, sometimes for days on end. Yes. I have pooped outside.

I was camping in the Pennsylvania woods and had to go so I dug a shallow hole and did my business.

Oh yeah. I was on an overnighter in this really remote national wilderness here in New Mexico. It’s just you and your pack. No trails even. Just real ranging, it was wonderful.

Camping. There is nothing but outside.

havent. im a sheltered urban pig

Have I?

During a trip, there was this coffee shop my friends were raving about. They suggested to go there. Sure. Why the hell not. What’s the worst that can happen?

The plan was to go there to get lunch and then spend the day in the massive park next to it.

Now, this part of the story is totally unrelated to pooping outside, but I think it’s a disservice to leave it out.

So we get to the coffee shop and we hear someone in the back end having a fight. It’s fucking wild. Someone’s threatening to steal someone else’s car and shit. As we walk in I notice there’s a couple of tables with people watching the fight. Nobody is doing anything. My brain lights up in fire as I’m thinking “this is the bystander effect. This is exactly what I’ve heard about! I need to intervene!”. I run up a flight of stairs and stand between a girl with her high-heel shoe in her hand, threatening the guy who is prostrated behind me.

She stares at me, and her dimples twitch while she figures out what to think of me appearing out of nowhere. Then the guy behind me starts laughing. She immediately bursts into laughter. “Oh, my god. I’m sorry. It’s just a play.”. The people around, the ‘bystanders’, laugh. I realize they’re the audience of the play, and as it all clicks in my mind, I open my mouth and bring my hand to my chest as I take a second just to breathe.

She pats me in the back and says “Come. I’ll get you something to drink,” as she guides me out of the makeshift stage.

I hear the guy behind, the other actor, saying “Sorry for the interruption.” The audience laughs. “We’ll resume shortly.”

My party is all cracking up. The girl takes it all in jest. I thank her for how well she handled it all. She thanks me for being “a hero” and tells me whatever I order to drink is on her. She then leaves to speak to the guy in the entrance, so that he can warn other people about the fact that the apparent fight is really a play.

My ex and her friends are still giving me shit as the waiter comes over. They all know exactly what they want, since they’ve come here before. I don’t want to think, so I just say “What’s good?”.

“Their cold brew.”

I figured if I was old enough to drink alcohol, I should probably try coffee for the first time in my life. Heck, and if it’s the recommendation of the recommended coffee place, it’s probably good, right?

So, here’s the thing about coffee, or caffeine more generally: it makes you wanna shit.

We wait for our orders and the fighting resumes. We hear the same lines again: the threats to steal a car, the revelation that she lied about her family…

My ex suggests to have the drinks to go, so that we are spared the noise. Sure enough. We get our drinks to go and head off to the park.

And so we walked for a while through the forest as I tried coffee for the first time, and a couple minutes later had to shit by a wooden bridge.

Many times, in what context? Most were camping related

Yeah camping and hunting

I actually haven’t. I think the true reason is, there usually isn’t enough toilet paper lying around.